-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
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One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
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Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad