M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
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DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO