Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
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GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Breaking news:
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
*puts cutlery down*
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*