I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
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*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.