So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
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My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣