I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
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my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.