[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
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Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.