Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
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Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Always 🥴
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.