[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
You Might Also Like
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.