I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
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when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
The news
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Only Americans understand
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one