“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
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Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots