I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
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I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
We decided to have money instead of children.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Duck typos.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that