Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
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Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Was it something I said?
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Gemma Correll
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still