date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
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In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.