Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
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me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.