DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
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COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.