“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
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Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Wikigenius
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
My diet starts in January
of 2027
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.