tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
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Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
that de-escalated quickly
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Match dot com, but for socks.