Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
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Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
my one true gender
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.