I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
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Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
lmaaaaaooooooooo
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute