*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
You Might Also Like
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Kids: Stay in school.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave