Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
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Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.