[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
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Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
WHO DID THIS?
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Well, shit
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*