I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
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My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*