Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
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[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Can’t stop laughing
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
couldn’t resist
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.