I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
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*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Favourite diary entry ever
what’s really going on
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!