My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
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I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.