Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
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her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.