when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
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[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”