My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
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*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.