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Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.