I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
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Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails