.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
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I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.