Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
You Might Also Like
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Facebook memories be like
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
oh no, steve’s working tonight