Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
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*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
accurate
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Does anything good ever escape from a lab