[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
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I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
What even happened today?
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.