“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
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haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Y’all ready for this
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…