Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
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Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
I’m aging like a fine banana
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted