Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
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If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
It’s an epidemic…
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN