did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
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I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this