heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
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DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.