Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
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My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
#CoronaOutbreak
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
All generalizations are stupid.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]