If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
You Might Also Like
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW