BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
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I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about