jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
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Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-