Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
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The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I love twitter
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*