I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
You Might Also Like
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
stand with me against insufficient seating
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place