Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
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IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE