ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
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customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Möther may I have a snäck
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one