rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
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A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
wow
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
It’s an epidemic…
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.